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Dear Internet: I hate the human race

I'm feeling sad and blue, so I'm just going to rant to my journal. I feel it should be given a name. My journal, not the rant. Although I could name that too. Like a natural disaster.

BEHOLD: Tirade AlmaCollapse )

Girlie Hormonal Moment

Sex and the City the movie:

When Miranda phones Carrie on New Years Eve feeling lonely and Carrie hoofs it all the way to the other side of the town to tell her that she isn't--

I cry every. damn. time.

Dear Internet

My first thought waking up was that today, I want to aspire to Conan's plea to his fans we be kind-hearted and hard-working people.

I'm not sure how successful I was. Not an hour into my shift at work was I on the phone with a superior and bitching about one of my co-workers because she underminded me when she shouldn't have. I know I was right in standing up for myself, but did I really need to stand behind the shelves and have covert chats with everyone about how annoying this person is?

Not really.

There is something irresistable about a good old fashioned bitch session. It's as satisfying as venting about how mad you are at Jay Leno. I don't know what it is about some females, but we certainly do have an appetite for gathering in clusters and brain-storming about why we are so effing annoyed with so-and-so lately. Why am I so mean, sometimes, when there's certain to be another cluster of women some twenty feet away most likely having a bitch-fest about me?

I am generally a nice person, and I do not say spiteful things or dish out unnecessary and untrue rumours about people who annoy me or overstep their boundaries, like my co-worker today. But I do reach out for confirmation that I'm in the right. Afterall, who doesn't want a bunch of people taking a stand with them when they feel they've been wronged in some way? It's gratifying. It just feels good.

Despite my forray down gossip avenue, I did succeed in some small ways at being a kinder person. Insignificant example: practicing patience with rude/irritating people on the phone (I'm a receptionist). Example of more importance: I didn't attack my supposed friends for having zero contact with me over our three week break from work (rennovations). I felt neglected, underappreciated, hurt, insignificant... the list goes on.

But they came in, brought me a coffee, smiled, laughed, and chatted with me. And I made the decision not to nag at them. I lost the closest person I had because I pressured her too much. I was always complaining, grinding into her about everything she was doing wrong. I totally snapped that relationship in half. I have since resolved to reel in some patience, to practice understanding, and to accept that not everyone will behave exactly the way I expect them to.

Conan could have been talking to me when he peered into the face of the camera, tapped the desk, and plead, "Please, do not be cynical." It's true. I have no faith in anyone since my best friend ended our ten year friendship out of nowhere. Now, I finally have this flickering of hope that looks like a dying lightbulb trying its best to stay on.

I'll probably screw up a lot, but for now, I'm going to be the kindest person I can possibly be. I can't keep being this angry, mistrustful young woman for the rest of my life. Conan's right--it won't get me anywhere. I'm going to try to believe that by working hard, by being kind, amazing things will happen.

My first mini goal is to stop talking about people beind their backs at work. It's just so mean and slimey and I'm always left itching with this residue of guilt afterward. Besides, I could never imagine Conan doing anything like that.

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February 2010


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